I’ve been in a weird place in relation to my sexuality since early December. Evaluating my sex life I’ve come to realize that, thus far, it has consisted of merely fuck buddies and one-night stands. While I’ve come to create wonderful and lasting friendships with some of my fuck buddies (though not with many), I still lack an emotional intimacy that has just recently become more appealing to me. I would like to have sex with someone that I truly care about—I have never had that. The one time I had sexual relations with a guy that meant something to me simply happened because I was too drunk to say “yes” or “no.” I came out of my drunken daze in the middle of it confused and terrified. But that’s a different story…
As for the night I lost my virginity, that night changed my outlook on sex completely. My virgin friends asked, “Do you feel different?” No, I didn’t feel different. I felt nothing except for a little soreness. Sex became just another weekend activity. Since then, for the longest time I took pride in being able to not entwine the physical with the emotional. It was convenient, carefree and entirely easy. I would never get hurt. While other people were off getting their hearts broken because they got too attached, I was enjoying being numb to such things. It was all pussy, no heart. I never stayed the night, never cuddled. Once I didn’t even want B walking me home the next morning. There was no “us”, just me. Well, “me” is a lonely place.
My friend and I would always joke about how we were never picky about our sexual partners because “it’s just sex.” I had no qualms about getting between the sheets with men whose hearts belonged to another’s. It was just sex.
Looking back at all of that I feel like a complete and utter monster. I’m not okay with it. I want to feel something, I want to be picky—shit, I want the fucking heartbreak. I’m tired of one-night stands. I want to know your name; I want to know what music you like. I want you to know that I’m not just “a wild girl” in bed. There is so much more.
I really am sorry that I’ve been so negligent of this blog and of your questions. But right now, in regards to my sexual life, I’m trying to figure out what works best for me, and this blog is part of that. I may have to change what I do with it because I’m not really feeling it. This tumblr is about my sexual awakening and my growth as a sexual being. At the moment I’m self-reflecting on that part of my life and changing what I don’t like and doing my best to move forward towards a place in which I feel at home.